If you’ve been following me on Twitter or Facebook, you know that I have been reading the world’s worst book.

As I’ve been reading it, I’ve been thinking about what makes it the worst thing I’ve ever read. After I tell you what it’s about, I’ll tell you why.

Memeko is an extremely youthful-looking agent of the secret organization Al Hazan, that collects and protects rare eyeglasses. They are attempting to get a hold of the rare and dangerous Medusa glasses that, like the rare and dangerous Gorgon glasses, turn people into stone. Memeko is a Glasses-User, and can make a kind of energy knife shoot from her glasses-wearing gaze.

But, for all her unusual strength with eyeglasses, Memeko is terrified of the world outside eyeglasses. When her handler, Lucia, asks her to attend and infiltrate Misono Gakuin to find the secret to the eyeglass theft that goes on there, Memeko finds it hard to talk to anyone who does not wear eyeglasses. In her homeroom that leaves her with one option – the tall, beautiful Ai.

I will not torture you with descriptions of the scenes that in another action book would be the “secret agent cleaning a gun” scene, or the “love interest and agent getting to know each other scene,” but I will mention that when Ai is saved by Memeko’s super Al Hazan eyeglasses skillz, she falls into the standard pattern of believing in and relying on Memeko.

Let me cut to the chase – the traitor was their homeroom teacher who was obsessed with Ai’s beauty and who stole all the eyeglasses to find the perfect ones for her. He attempts to scare Ai by telling her the truth behind Memeko’s skills, but it backfires and their love for one another defeats his ridiculous plan.

In the end, Memeko returns to the school, not as a secret agent, but as a 16-year old and a friend and probably soon-to-be-lover of Ai. And now she can talk to people who don’t wear eyeglasses, too. Phew. Happy end, except for the bit where there is a implication that there might be a sequel. AAAUUUGGGHHHH!!! As it happens there are at least two sequels. Scary, huh?

Okay, so, here’s why I think this is the worst Light Novel ever. Not because it was badly written. In fact, it was actually pretty well written, so scenes were exactly where they belonged in a genre title like this and the dialogue was exactly the same kind of jaded lines you’d expect from an action-adventure story. No, the real reason I think this is the worst Light Novel ever is because the author clearly felt that if you were going to buy a story called Kanoujo ha Megane-HOLIC (彼女は眼鏡-HOLIC) then you deserved whatever you got.

And he was right.

Ratings:

Art – 5
Characters – 2
Story – 2
Yuri – 2
Loser Fan Eyeglasses Fetishist – 451

Overall – 2

This book actually beats out Adam Smith’s On the Wealth of Nations for the worst book I have ever read. Congrats.

When I see a book with illustrations by Kurogane Kenn, my first thought is, “Oh, this is going to be great, I can tell.” I’m willing to bet that my tone of voice is not the same as many of yours would be if you were to say that. ^_^;

And so I did say, when I first came across 394,408km ~ Anata ni Sarattara, a light novel written by Kousaka Hio and illustrated by Kenn.

The novel primarily follows the singular obsession of Miyuki for classmate Rise. Miyuki is an honor student, ojou-sama type, but in reality, her family is not rich and she is not able to follow Rise to an elite school after elementary school. But that doesn’t stop her from obsessing about her. For eight years.

When Miyu’s father suddenly hits the lottery, her first and only concern is to get into the same elite school that Rise attends. With her excellent grades, it’s no problem at all. At last, Miyuki can be reunited with her beloved Rise who, by the way, has no idea at all that Miyuki feels this way. Miyuki had asked Rise to be hers, back in 1st grade and is now determined to realize that dream.

On the way to meet Rise, whose class is inexplicably on the floor above her own, Miyu runs into the “Silver Witch,” green-eyed Mikado Maria. Maria smells the scent of lilies about Miyuki, and invites her to join her “Romantic Love Study Group.” After an odd, lukewarm reunion with Rise, Miyu is approached by the president of the Morals Committee, who recruits her to join the Romantic Love Study Group in order to infiltrate and get the dirt on their repulsive, filthy behavior. Immediately, Miyu can see that the President has some feelings for Maria, but whatever. Since Rise’s a member, she’ll do it.

The first day in the RLSG is not easy. Witch Maria plays with people like toys and it’s immediately obvious that the group follows her whim. She makes Rise and Miyuki flirt for them all, and they end with a kiss. Frustrated that it is merely a kiss between friends, Miyuki walks away from the group.

After witnessing Maria and Rise doing more than just kiss, Miyuki challenges Maria to a duel to win Rise. Maria calls for the match to be strip poker, which Miyu loses, but in the end she does gain Rise.

The rest of the book is them having sex. Sometimes from one perspective, sometimes from the other.

Ratings:

Art – 7
Story – 6
Character – 6
Yuri – 10
Service – 10

Overall – 7

The title, by the way, is the distance between the Moon, of which Miyuki has always fancied herself the Queen, and the Earth, which of course is Rise (her name even contains the character for Earth.) But I think Sean Gaffney said it best when he asked if that was the distance between this book and literature. ^_^

Upon reading the back cover of the Light Novel Amagami Emmenthal (あまがみエメンタール), I commented to the wife, “You gotta figure that any story in which the clothing gets credit as a cast member is definitely gonna be *great.*” (I was being sarcastic, in case that doesn’t come across well in text.) In the end, the clothes actually *were* a member of the cast, and I could sort of see it being justifiable. But I’m starting with the end, so let me move backwards to the beginning.

At Seiran Private Girls School, Kokone and Riko are classmates, roommates and, apparently, soulmates. But their relationship is far darker than that. Riko is a vampire and Kokone is her source of blood. On the other side, the continued pain and scars from Riko’s feeding over the years has turned Koko-chan into a masochist, who fetishizes the wounds Riko causes.

The story begins with them in middle school then, much like this review, backs up into their first meeting in first grade, then follows them through the years to high school. Most of that time is spent watching Kokone become a first-class fetishist. (Also bitching about how the name of her class is “Bamboo.” The rest of the classes are Rose, Chrysanthemum, the usual, and they’re in Bamboo. Rose gets the nice elite rooms – you can bet that Bamboo class gets economy class apartments.)

Riko’s Goth-Loli clothes are not just an indicator of her “otherness.” She is, in fact, the daughter of a famous Goth-Loli clothing designer. A designer that appears to us to be doing everything she can to keep her daughter out of the house. Kokoke avoids going home because she hates her stepmother and resents her father for dumping her in this school.

Koko and Riko are an odd, but not unsuited couple. If the story didn’t linger in quasi-sexual imagery while they were still young it would be more palatable, but that is the story – the quasi-awakening of Kokone’s quasi-sexual interest in Riko, who is only quasi-normal.

The climax, when it comes, is not nearly as shocking as it might be. We are meant to think that Riko’s mother is working hard and that suddenly, she is exiled to Europe with no message to Riko, while her younger sister takes over the business. But, it is ridiculously obvious that the truth is far more simple – and it was the clothes that were the clue. I won’t give away the riveting truth. You might *want* to read this book.

When Kokone reveals the truth to Riko, the Goth-Loli vampire nearly kills Kokone in her pain. But don’t worry – everyone lives happily ever after in this novel. And no schoolgirls were harmed in the making of this book.

It was weird. Even for a vampire novel, it was sappy and purple and salacious. And the Sadomasochism thing rang really weirdly with the whole private schoolgirl setting, but oddly worked better than I would have expected. The biggest bad was Riko being portrayed at such infantile extremes. Had she been a cool, adult, sexy vampire, the story would have worked fine for me. Instead, she acts and speaks throughout as if she is six years old, which just made me want to spike her through the heart.

Oh – why is Riko a vampire? No clue. She just is a human who needs blood. Period. Stop asking questions – you’ll only be disappointed.

Ratings:

Art – lascivious and infantilizing, just the way you moe fans like
Story – See above
Characters – Once more for good measure
Yuri – 6
Service – Googleplex

Overall – 6

Yes, in the end Riko and Kokone love one another. Another couple that I heartily approve of their relationship, so as not to inflict them on anyone else ever. ^_^